Trying to shift those ski boots, bomber jacket or cat box on eBay? Here’s a tip – be hilarious.
An eBay advert for an old wetsuit has gone viral after the seller wrote a virtuoso piece describing how he had never urinated in it, how he loves the feel of “fresh neoprene” on his “soft skin” and how it was better than his friend’s second hand wetsuit which looked like an “old man’s testicle”.
It’s by a Cornish guy called Dan Morgan, there’s a picture of the wetsuit – “used XCEL 3-2mm Infiniti Drylock Summer Wetsuit” and also a picture of a bear standing next to some urinals.
The piece has attracted some opprobrium from eBay who – it seems – object to the picture of the bear at the urinals because it doesn’t accurately describe the product.
Sometimes being cute and weird back-fires on you. Sometimes it pays off! This is one of those cases. It’s a bit like the wonderful Three Wolf Moon meme which started on eBay after some jokesters started posting glowing reviews on postings of the t-shirt.
Here’s what Dan has to say about his wetsuit:
(PS: He’s now donating 90% of the profits to victims of the Japanese earthquake victims.)
I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say ‘fair’ I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30. A fair few times anyway.
HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it’s in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you’re probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely. My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn’t look after and it looks like an Elephant’s arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man’s testicle.
You’re probably thinking “People p*ss in wetsuits, I’m not sure about a second hand wetsuit”, but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you’re sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don’t like boys that smell of p*ss so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.
I’ve included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits.
It’s a size medium or “m”, it was the top of the range suit when I bought it, I think I paid around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf at least 200% better. It won’t really but it will keep you warm and it’s flexible so you’ll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you’re bouncing along a wave. People will look at you and say “f*ckin hell check that dude out, he knows what he’s doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he’s got some fresh dance moves”. They probably won’t say this.
Now as it’s been worn, there’s some signs of wear around the neck, which I’ve taken pictures of, so you don’t say “oi you c*nt, there’s area of wear around the neck I’m giving you bad feedback”. The pictures make it look worse than it is (because they’re close-ups), and I’ve taken the pictures with the suit turned inside out, when it’s the right way round you don’t see the wear and it has no effect on the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn’t it, but it had to be done so you can’t take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.
Why am I selling it? Well I’ve just bought a new one, as I’m a flash tw*t like that, I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes. No, that was a joke, now you’re going to think the suit is riddled with disease but it’s not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night.
I’ll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you’re around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges. Having said that, if you’re a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you as I don’t want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just beginning! WOO HOO.
Any questions just ask, I’ll answer them very quickly as I’m sat at a computer all f*cking day, unless there’s waves.
Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day.
Related: Top Ten Weird Things Sold on eBay