20 things that happen when you start reviewing phones for a living

For the last few months, I’ve been writing ShinyShiny’s phone reviews. It’s a dream job, but changes your life in some weird and unpredictable ways.

      1. You get a Facebook message and a polyphonic orchestra of notification noises from multiple phones scares the living daylights out of you
        It was just my mum saying “hi”
      2. You sit alone in a park taking selfie after selfie for the camera review and people think you’re the worst person in the world
        People wearing triple denim get less judgmental looks than me
      3. After getting glared at, you make it infinitely worse by pulling out another phone and taking some more selfies. Then comparing them.
        And after all that, you take a better one at home
      4. After a few weeks, you start taking new routes to work just so people don’t realise that all your photos are taken in the same places
        Home > work > home > work > home…
      5. A phone goes off and you pick up three separate handsets before you get the right one
        And then it turns out to be your desk phone
      6. You pull out a phone, then another one, then another one and people think you’re a millionaire, thief, drug dealer, cheater or – most likely – absolute douchebag
        I’m sorry, OK?!
      7. Your phone goes off on the bus and you tut along with everyone else until you realise it’s just an unfamiliar ringtone
        Hello, my name is Holly and I am a pillock
      8. You know all your social media passwords backwards because you have to install and log into the apps multiple times a week on new phones
      9. …Which means turning off Facebook Chat Heads at least twice a week
        Yo, Facebook. NO ONE WANTS THAT
      10. You hugely regret setting up two-factor authentication
        “Thanks for logging in! We’re sending a confirmation code to your other phone, which you left on your bed”
      11. You go to show someone a photo on your phone and realise it’s on another handset… That you don’t even have anymore
      12. After two weeks with the newest flagship, your personal phone feels like it’s literally made of human poo
        Wait, I still need that. Sorry, phone.
      13. People constantly ask you if you get to keep the phones
        Yeah… no.
      14. You live in fear that Netflix will ban you for accessing your account on ninety different devices
        Please don’t take away my Mythbusters
      15. Your inbox looks like this:
        It only seems to email me about Androids
      16. When you go to the ‘My Apps’ list in the app store, you can’t find any of your favourites because it’s packed with manufacturer nonsense
        Why do I have eighteen different weather apps
        Why do I have eighteen different weather apps
      17. You’ve packaged up a phone with your SIM card still in it more than once
        At least I've never actually posted it... yet
        At least I’ve never actually posted it… yet
      18. You realise the phone you’re reviewing has better specs than your laptop
        I love you really, craptop
        Love you really, craptop
      19. You’ve painstakingly packaged up a fragile phone in a big parcel with lashings of brown tape, followed by hearing a notification noise from inside the box
        REMEMBER ME?!
        REMEMBER ME?!

      20. You sit idly on public transport, flicking through all the features of the camera app on a new handset. Suddenly, without warning, the flash goes off and the woman opposite you starts going ballistic that you’re taking photos of her boyfriend. You struggle to explain that you’re actually reviewing the phone and it was an accidental flash and you’ve only actually taken a picture of your own lap, but she’s having none of it and you get off at the next stop, followed by the accusing eyes of every other passenger.Yes, this actually happened.
        Please pretend I don't exist, kthxbye
        Please pretend I don’t exist, kthxbye

Best. Job. Ever.

All GIFs courtesy of ReactionGifs

Holly Brockwell