…but never will because ultimately we’re good people, damnit.
“Careful, you’re almost out of loo roll…”
Ain’t it just one of life’s cruellest tricks that the most flattering lighting is always in the toilet? Still, anyone looks great next to an avocado bathroom suite.
“D’you know, I think the 13th hashtag might be overkill?”
But I’m glad you tagged #summer, of course. I’d never have guessed otherwise.
“WHO is taking all these hot full-length photos of you? Do you pay them?”
We all appreciate the lengths you’ve gone to (literally) for this not to be a selfie, but seriously. Who? Are they a long-suffering friend, or a butler who also holds an umbrella over you when it rains? Do you hand them your phone each time and ask nicely, or just do a special sheepdog whistle?
“You can apply all the rustic filters you want, love – we know that pizza is from Strada.”
But bonus points for moving the menu out of shot.
“Gee, that Marilyn Monroe had a lot of wisdom huh?”
I think I’m as inspired by this quote now as I was when Anon first said it.
“As I already liked this on Facebook, favourited it on Twitter and sent you eight texts, can I skip it on Instagram?”
“BUT WAIT, if you’re asleep then who is taking the adorable photo?”
Is it an intruder? An intruder who has also hacked into your Instagram account and applied some flattering tilt shift round the edges? SHOULD I CALL SOMEONE?
“I tried clean eating too, but I hated the taste of all the Fairy liquid.”
And I kept burping up bubbles.
“But Melanie, you don’t even LIKE coffee!”
It gives you a dicky tummy, remember?
“You do know you’re allowed to just… not post it, right?”
I wanted to check, in case you mistakenly thought it was the law. Because this is grainier than Gwyneth Paltrow’s breakfast.
Just don’t hit ‘send’.