When Miranda July’s truly social new app Somebody launched last week, it inspired a vast spectrum of responses – ranging from ‘MY HEART IS WARMED AND HUMANITY IS SAVED’ to ‘strangers keep hugging me and now I hate the world more,’ with a lot of ‘but… why?’ in the middle.
Meanwhile, we were thinking: what other niche social networks has nobody thought of yet? And more importantly, will any of them make us millionaires?
Whoops: the social network where only typos are allowed
A social sanctuary for the busy, the lazy and the perpetually ham-fingered, Whoops only accepts communication in the form of typos or unfortunate autocorrect mistakes. To err is human, and through our errors we sometimes reveal our true selves. After all: if they love you, they should be able to wrok put what you’re on acorn. Sorry, *about.
OMG Remember: the social network for people who really loved 2006
Only a true 2006 kid will remember this! Join OMG Remember to bask in a warm pool of memories from the heady days of the mid-noughties, when politicians were still honest and pubs were still filled with noxious gases. You can only upload photos taken eight years ago (omg! Hollyoaks mullet) and no references to items or events dating after 2006 are permitted. One Direction aren’t a thing, and you still might be able to buy a house one day.
One Word: the social network for people who like to communicate using single word messages
We’ve already said too much.
Hairlike: the social network for telling strangers you like their hair without seeming creepy
You’re having a bad day. You trudge around a public space, feeling low. Ping! What’s this? A notification from Hairlike! A stranger likes my hair! Well, losing your job and having your TV stolen DID mean you had extra time to do a bouncy blow-dry this morning. Suddenly everything seems much better, and you swish confidently into your future. Thanks, stranger. Thanks, Hairlike.
BusStopify: the social network for people at the bus stop
Because bus stops are scientifically proven to be the rudest places in modern society, we invented BusStopify to uncover their social potential. That man in a cagoule! The boy with the balloon! The lady with that… thing! They could all hold the key to your happiness. Log in, send out a Bus Pop and wait for the Bus Top invites to roll in. Remember, strangers at bus stops are just friends you haven’t- oh, sod that. The bus is here.
Your Mum: a social network between you and your mum
Your Mum has a number of uses: 1) allowing your mother to contact you in a cheery, unintimidating fashion, reducing the number of times per week you must answer the phone bellowing “WHO HAS DIED?” 2) Giving her a safe space, free from judgement, to post sassy e-cards about how much she dislikes Mondays. 3) A wide range of swift, easy parental emojis, including ‘frowny disapproval’ and ‘take a jumper, it’ll turn later’, and 4) an autocorrect function that quickly identifies and replaces wrongly named TV programmes, bands and celebrities with the right ones.
Cancelit: a social network for when you would really just rather cancel.
Rather than go through the hassle of composing awkward, apologetic texts every time you would rather stay at home with your boyfriend, Netflix, than go out and smile at other humans, Cancelit simply sends a CANCEL alert to the friend in question. They can then reply with one of two options: ‘No worries, I was secretly hoping we’d cancel too!’ or ‘I totally forgot we had plans anyway!’. You are then both free to message news and gossip from the comfort of your sofa, bed or bath using Cancelit’s ‘Better Than In Person’ chat facility.
Tapchat: a social network for plumbers and people who tap dance
The fun part is trying to work out who’s which!
Hadababy!: a social network for people who had a baby
Because people on Facebook will always say the wrong thing, such as ‘eurgh he’s covered in red gack’ or ‘great name, are you hoping she’ll grow up to sell dream catchers from a beach hut?’, you need Hadababy! From the big birth announcement to precious milestones such as ‘first sick’, post all your baby-related news on Hadababy! and let our network of eight total strangers coo, like and comment affectionately on each one like they genuinely care.
Hadawedding!: a social network for people who had a wedding
Because people on Facebook will always say the wrong thing, such as ‘eurgh he’s covered in pink gack’ or ‘great photos, I love how you chose not have them retouched’, you need Hadawedding! From the ‘getting ready’ shots to precious milestones such as ‘first disappointment’, post all your wedding-related news on Hadawedding! and let our network of eight total strangers coo, like and comment affectionately on each one like they genuinely care.
Image: Tanja Scherm