Last week I was chock full of vitriol about other people’s Facebook status updates. I think I might have solved that plague on behalf of humanity, and so have no choice but to move on to another.
Come with me on a journey into Facebook’s underbelly. You know you want to.
1. 60 things girls need to understand about guys!!!!
Containing such gems as “Guys hate sluts even though they have sex with them!” (the exclamation mark does not make this a “fun statement”) and “When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually” (really? I was pretty sure it was because he wanted a smack in the mouth) this is more of a list of Things You Never Want a Boy To Say.
2. IF 10 MILLION JOIN MARC ZOMBERG WILL BRING BACK THE OLD FACEBOOK!
Who said? Did he say? No. Because he’s got a bigger plan for the site, which involves making loads of money and selling it for billions. And it doesn’t matter if you write it in CAPITALS. Mark Zuckerberg is not swayed by capitals.
3. 1,000,000 AGAINST THE NEW FACEBOOK LAYOUT!
See above. Maybe you’d stand a chance if you all got your acts together. Team work, remember?
4. Drank wine, carpet burned face, lost phone, need numbers!!
It probably is the easiest way of getting all your friend’s numbers back, but have I not written about Mobyko enough to make this a nonexistant problem? Back up your numbers, kids.
5. ^^If 10,000 People Join This Group I’ll Get A Leprechaun Tattoo On My Ass^^
Then you’re a dick.
6. Addicted to Green Tea
Has there ever been a sadder addiction? Green tea is the refuge of those with serotonin levels that can’t take the slightest stimulation. The rest of us get high on coffee, like normals. And we don’t form support groups about it.
7. You run up the stairs because you think something is gunna grab you
I run up the stairs because I think something is going to grab me (is there any feeling worse in the entire world than being chased up the stairs? I think not), but I’d never invent the world ‘gunna’.
8. Facebook for Business
Get out. They made LinkedIn for the likes of you.
9. 1 Billion Muslims on Facebook!!!!
A billion? Are you sure? Because there are only six billion people in the world. And only 1.5 billion Muslims in the world. And only one hundred million people on Facebook. Your odds aren’t looking good, love.
10. OMG…I THINK I’M ADDICTED TO SEX!!!
What are people supposed to think when they see you’ve joined this group? You get around? You want people to *think* you get around? You genuinely have an addiction and you think you can find the cure on Facebook? It’s immaterial. Everyone knows people who use OMG don’t have sex.