There’s no shame in being an amateur photographer: smartphone cameras are so much better than they used to be, it would be stupid to waste them. But as much as I enjoy scrolling through the photos of my closest online acquaintances, or seeing what our oversharing-est celebs are up to on Instagram, there are some shots that should never have been taken, let alone shared with the world.
If you’ve committed one of these online photo sins, don’t despair: you were younger then. But please, unless you want to alienate everyone who loves you, pledge to never, ever do it again…
1. Sneak peeks
These can be flattering (pretty hair!), mean (can you believe anyone wore this?) or understandably judgemental (why would you pick your nose IN PUBLIC?) but whatever your intention, it’s cruel. Just ‘cos Instagram makes it easy to share photos of randoms with snappy captions, doesn’t mean it isn’t a total invasion of privacy. Even the most outrageous duckface is better than that.
2. Butt selfies
Body positivity is a wonderful thing, but(t) sorry, we just can’t get behind belfies. If we wanted to see photos of half-naked strangers on the internet over breakfast, we know where to look (we have Google), but whether it’s Nicki Minaj or that Facebook friend you met on an HR training day, it’s way TMI.
3. Ring selfies
The first priority when women got engaged used to be phoning their mum or best friend and sharing their excitement. Now you have to take a close-up of the rock on your left hand and post it on the internet, or the followers who hang on your every word might not believe they’ll never have a chance with you. It’s like, the law.
4. Human pretzels
Yoga fan, are ya? You’ve kept that on the down low. I mean, apart from the 200 or so photos you’ve posted since last Thursday, all of which feature your hand clasping your calf or your feet hugging your neck. We get it, you’re bendy. You’re also a huge poser, in more ways than one. You’re not Hilaria Baldwin. You live in Bolton. Calm down.
5. Used pregnancy tests
No one can focus on whether it says PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT and whether we’re supposed to be happy for you or not, because all we can think is YOU PEED ON THAT. Let’s take a stand and make a rule right now: if you peed on it, you don’t need to take a photo of it. Ever.
6. Cheesy engagement photos
I’ll be honest, I don’t see the point of engagement photos of all. In fact, I didn’t even know they existed until a certain episode of Friends. But if you are so attached to the wedding industrial complex that your life wouldn’t be complete without them, then maybe just… stand next to your fiancé(e) and smile? Your friends don’t want to see the two of you kissing (on tiptoe), or leaping out from behind a tree, or wearing butterfly wings. Subverting any of those tropes for the purposes of parody, on the other hand? No one could say no to that.
It’s tempting to reply SO WHAT to every photo bearing this hashtag, but that would be a full-time job. It’s unclear if the aim is to pat men on the back for completing a task that women have been doing for centuries without expecting applause, or to show off about being in a relationship, but either way, that brightly-lit bowl of lumpy brown goo isn’t impressing anyone.
8. Surgery souvenirs
If you’ve done this, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your anaesthetic just hadn’t worn off yet. Because otherwise there’s no excuse on earth for filling up your friends’ Facebook feeds with shots of your stitches, anything that oozes, or worse, something in a jar that was removed from some part of your body. *Shudder*
9. Dribbling babes
I get it. You’ve had a baby, it’s the best and possibly most painful thing that’s ever happened to you, and so you’re damn well going to show off your favourite kid pics every chance you get. I’m just asking that you think about the easily-nauseated among us, and WIPE THEIR MOUTH. That’s right: I don’t want to see slobber, I don’t want to see half-chewed food, and if you ever even think about zooming in on their potty to show the world what it looks like from the other end, STEP AWAY FROM THE CAMERA and call for help.
10. Bridesmaid flashers
Despite the impression this list may be giving, I’m not actually anti-marriage. But there does seem to be something about weddings that brings out people’s most tasteless ideas. I mean, just when you thought we were finally free of the ‘artistic’ influence of Athena posters and Carry On films, some wedding parties are trying to make bum-flashing bridesmaids happen. Because nothing says ‘I’m so lucky to have found the love of my life’ than forcing your female friends to show the world their butt cracks.
Image via Pixabay.