Oh we know, you barely check Facebook, Instagram likes mean nothing to you and a dead phone doesn’t even make you break out into a sweat. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? We’re all in this together, so let’s stop with the lies and accept the fact it’s too late for us all.
1. Lie: Oh… Maybe that status update just deleted itself then… I guess?
Truth: I deleted it after ten minutes in a haze of shame and fury because it only got one like. From my mum. By accident.
2. Lie: Yeah my weekend was lots of fun, thanks.
Truth: I mainlined Netflix into my retinas for 30 hours until I passed out. With snacks.
3. Lie: I don’t really have the time to get properly clued up about politics and current affairs.
Truth: I just spent five consecutive nights pinning beachy hairstyles and quotes about being free on Pinterest.
4. Lie: I can’t stand Zoella.
Truth: I LOVE ZOELLA.
5. Lie: I can’t stand emojis.
Truth: I love emojis.
6. Lie: I don’t have a Pinterest wedding board.
Truth: I have a (secret) Pinterest wedding board. OKAY, OKAY, I HAVE SEVEN.
7. Lie: Yeah, I wonder what [insert random person’s name who you went to primary school with here] is up to nowadays?
Truth: I know where [insert random person’s name who you went to primary school with here] works, where they live, who they go out with, what they had for breakfast on Sunday and that they were really screwed over by the Victoria line this morning.
Via Dear Teenage Years.
8. Lie: I just choose the nearest Instagram filter to my thumb I guess?
Truth: I put more thought into picking an Instagram filter than I did into picking a university or a flat.
9. Lie: Buzzfeed quizzes are lame and pointless.
Truth: I am Ariel, Baby Got Back is my personal theme tune, I probably won’t become a crazy cat lady and I’m not very fetch. Shakira could be my BFF and I should totally have ice-cream for lunch every single day.
10. Lie: My working day is about 1 hour lunch and a walk, 2 hours admin and replying to emails, 3 hours of research and then non-stop writing for the other 2! I’m such a hard worker!
Truth: My working day is Oreos at my desk, 2 hours watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, 5 and a half hours lost in the deep, dark depths of Reddit and 30 minutes of ABSOLUTE PANIC.
11. Lie: Nah, why would I care that she unfollowed me?
Truth: AM I A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING? WHAT DID I DO TO HURT YOU SO? JUST. LOVE. ME.
12. Lie: It doesn’t really bother me when my battery dies.
Truth: In a rabid daze and cold sweat I once genuinely considered what I’d trade in for a fully-charged phone. £25? £125? A kidney?
13. Lie: I just choose a photo at random to use as my profile pic
Truth: I’ve carefully orchestrated 12 different events to get the perfect profile pic. And failed every time.