So, we’re all only on Tinder because everyone else is. I mean, you only just started this whole online dating malarkey this week, you’re pretty much new to it all, aren’t you? Stop lying! It’s fine, online dating is acceptable, yet we all still tell ourselves and others every single one of these lies, just to make ourselves feel a teeny bit better about how bizarre the whole concept is.
1. Lie: I’m only on Tinder because everyone else is, and it just looks like a bit of fun. I hardly use it, really.
Truth: I’m rapidly power-swiping on Tinder because I’m 95% sure my future husband is just 476 right swipes away, and I must meet him soon or prepare to die alone with my cats.
2. Lie: Oh, I had no idea you were a doctor, volunteered with old people on the side, and live in Chelsea.
Truth: I already know everything about you, and these were all the main reasons I said yes to this date, because, after a long and arduous Google search, I decided you were the perfect man.
3. Lie: Of course I know personality is just as important, if not more important, than looks. I’d actually much rather go out with Jonah Hill than Ryan Gosling. Humour counts for everything!
Truth: I’ve turned up to a first date, seen the guy I was meeting and just kept on walking, because he was more like 5”6 than 6”3, which I’d been assured he was.
4. Lie: I have never stalked my ex. I have no idea what he’s doing with his life, and have no interest.
Truth: I check my ex boyfriend’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn at least once a month (OK, week), and know exactly where he is, who he’s hanging out with, how much fun he’s having, and whether or not he has a girlfriend at all times. We broke up, like, three years ago.
5. Lie: I reply to every message I get on Plenty of Fish. It’s just rude to ignore people.
Truth: I only reply to the guys who send me an extremely personalised message, having clearly looked at every part of my bio, and thought in extreme detail about what would interest me. This ends up with me replying to maybe 1 in 20 people, maybe?
6. Lie: I’ve actually never met up with anyone through online dating before. This is my first time.
Truth: This is probably the 268th date I’ve been on through Tinder alone. Plenty of Fish and Happn are a whole ‘nother story.
7. Lie: We met on the tube. We just caught each other’s eye and it was love at first sight. The rest is history.
Truth: He was just one of my 653 matches on Tinder, and the first time we met was at his house. The rest is history.
8. Lie: I just chose my first five Facebook pictures as the pictures that show up on my dating profile.
Truth: I spent about an hour perfectly curating a selection of photos that would show how good I look, how popular I am, how clever I am and my hobbies, ending up with a few pictures of me from nights out, my graduation picture, and one of me looking cute, while ice-skating. I then photo-shopped them all to perfection, of course.
9. Lie: My profile bio took about five minutes, if that, to write. It was just something I sort of threw together.
Truth: I spent hours Googling ‘What Makes The Perfect Online Dating Bio’, then writing it up in Word to send to friends, for them to check that it was witty without being too pretentious, cute without being too cliché, and not too short but not too long either. I’m still thinking of changing it.
10. Lie: I’ve never been drunk on a first date.
Truth: I can’t get through a first date without at least a bottle of wine.
11. Lie: I rarely check my phone to see if that guy has texted.
Truth: It’s been 5 minutes since I last checked my texts, and I can SEE that he’s seen my Whatsapp and Facebook messages and hasn’t replied yet. He’s also tweeted, so I know he’s by his phone! TEXT ME BACK!
12. Lie: I don’t mind going dutch. It is the 21st century, after all.
Truth: I’m only offering to be polite, and won’t go on a second date if I get made to pay towards any of the drinks or dinner.
13. Lie: I’m only dating you!
Truth: I’ve been on five dates this week with five different guys. I’m actually very confused as to names and who has told me what about themselves. Oh well, a quick Facebook stalk will refresh my memory again.