Let she who is without selfies cast the first moan! But if selfies could speak... what would they say?
"I'm a traditional gal. I don't deviate. like mild peri-peri on my Nando's, and Paul McCartney is my favourite Beatle."
"By playing with the proportions of the conventional photographic pout, I am making a comment on the nature of our society's obsession with lip-to-face ratio. Also, look at me all minxy."
"This is what people do in selfies, yes? I've heard it is, but I can't be sure as most of my time is taken up with poi swinging, not using Facebook and working on my quinoa recipe blog, Keen-a for Quinoa."
"As this is only 20% a photo of my shoes and 80% a photo of some floor, so you'd be forgiven for commenting, "Hey! Nice floor!". But that isn't the intended response."
"Legs can't be narcissistic, right? They're just legs! Lovely, practical legs! Legs for climbing mountains, dancing a merry jig or, on this occasion, casually lying prone on a sun lounger under a light coating of shimmery body oil.'
"You think this is premium Venezuelan java. It's actually Robinson's Fruit & Barley. Now let's read some Sartre."
"Isn't this a lovely toilet? Look, they have those nice quilted paper hand towels and everything. Try to focus more on my sassy outfit and less on the fact I've just urinated."
The 'new hair'
"This is legitimate. I have new hair! I must garner opinions! If a tree falls in the forest and nobody comments on its new hair, does it really exist?"
"It's pretty hectic, being me. But please don't be associating my tiredness with the same sort of tiredness that produces eye bags and sleep farting and a little trail of crusty drool on one's face. Mine is a different, sexy tiredness. Je suis fatigue. Look at my artfully rumpled hair. Are you imagining me in bed yet?"
"Geez, I'm so ditsy y'all. I didn't even mean to take this - I was trying to pay my council tax using my online banking app, but before I knew it I'd snapped myself looking adorably gawky with my mouth slightly open. Still, shame to let it go to waste."
At the time of going to print, this wasn't yet a selfie trend.
There is a boyfriend in your photo
"OH LOOK I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!"
Your heads are bent together coyly
"NO I ACTUALLY DO I SWEAR"
His face is partially obscured because he is nuzzling your neck/kissing your cheek
"SEE? I AM SO ADORED."
The arms'-reach, almost, just about, could feasibly not be a selfie
"But it obviously is."