If this was a piece for More magazine, this column would be going down a very different path entirely. But as you should be fully aware, this isn't More, it's Shiny Shiny, so this is going down the tech route rather than a sexual one.
Not familiar with the term 'communifaking'? Let me be the first to break it down for you. Communifaking is the act of pretending to be on your phone (calling, texting, surfing the web) when in actual fact, you're just a phone call making/texting impostor who's not communicating with anyone at all. Reasons for this vary. You could be doing it to avoid potential conversations with strange men, to steer clear from looking and feeling like Billy no mates, or you could just simply want to show off your new handset to anyone whose attention is directed your way. Each to their own I say.
Click over the jump to find out when it's ok to communifake and when it's just plain wrong...
According to research from 3, 43 percent of women are guilty of communifaking, as are 32 percent of men and 74 percent of 18-24 year olds. So in light of this information, I've compiled a list of when it's ok and justifiable to fake a call/text/whatever and when it's just plain wrong and nonsensical.
When it's ok to communifake
- To avoid
wilderbeastsunwanted male attention (although I did this once, and the guy said to me "you don't have to pretend to go on your phone" - shame!! It must have been the shock horror in my eyes that gave me away!)
- When you're at a party/event, you know absolutely no one and are feeling a bit lonely and must do a bit of fakery for the benefit of your own sanity
- When you're a child who doesn't know any better
- When you've turned up to your meeting ill-prepared and are buying time to think
- You're trying to look productive
- To avoid looking like a loser at a party because you don't know anyone other than the person who's party it is (they can't hang around with you all night)
- You're on a date and have just realised you've made a horrible horrible mistake and need an escape
- A friend is boring or annoying the hell out of you and you need to make a break for it before you kill her/him
I appreciate that some of the above should go into the 'not ok' list, but most of them are mainly included because I've committed them at least once at some point (I realise this doesn't make them ok). Sometimes these things just have to be done.
When it's *so* no ok to communifake
- Attempting to show off your new handset
- To talk loudly and essentially show off about what you've been up to lately, hoping the surrounding people are listening and oozing with jealousy
- When attempting to shop lift
- When trying to look cool so you don't look like a loner waiting for your mates
- When on a tube. Believe it or not, but there are still some who haven't realised there's no signal underground yet
- When expecting a call. When the phone rings mid 'conversation' you'll just end up looking the fool
I know I've communifaked on more than one occasion but I've upgraded my status now and actually call and text people when faced with some of the aforementioned scenarios.
Psychotherapist Lesley Haswell has the answer to our communifaking habits: "People experience the need to appear socially busy at all times and 'just waiting' is a no-no. Our basic human instinct is to be part of a group. Alone we can feel more vulnerable."' So that's why we do it? Although, I'm sure some of the reasons listed above are some of the real reasons behind it.
Communifaking is fine, as long as you do it sparingly - don't over do it (coz that's just sad). So next time you feel a bit silly for doing for faking a call or text, just remember how many other people are at it too. And if you can think of any more to add to the ok/not ok box feel free to leave a comment.
Confession time - are you a full-time/part-time/occasional/one off communifaker?And more importantly, is it ok to do it?
Lucy is the editorial assistant for Shiny Shiny and doesn't feel ashamed for communifaking on more than one occasion. But she never did it on the tube.
More columns and opinions here
Nikon S1000pj: World's First Projector Camera
I use the fake call routine to avoid the charity muggers. On the route from my office to the Tube, which takes in a major London street and is about a 10-minute walk, I can be accosted by up to 8 different sets of these people all brandishing clipboards and the ability to block your way more effectively than a landmine.
It's a snap to clamp your phone to your ear as you approach them. You can then proceed safe in the knowledge that you will remain unaccosted.
This might sound a little harsh, but when every trip out of the office, lunch, meeting, commute, sets you up for these solicitations for your sort code it all gets pretty tedious and annoying.
^^^^ WHAT A LOVELY GUY - NOT!
wHY DONT YOU STAMP ON THEIR HEADS TOO?
ASSHOLE!
Thanks for making me laugh on an early Monday morning Nick. That's a good one - I didn't even think of it. And it's really not harsh. These people will hound anyone who makes eye contact. I'll be using that one through Covent Garden later.