Facebook status updates: they're difficult to get right, and they're infuriating to read when they're wrong. Here's my Top Ten Worst Facebook Status Crimes. I should know, I've committed most of them.
Note to you. Yes, you. This is not about your updates - I <3 your updates. It's about everyone else's.
1. The song lyrics
I get it. You *think* you're feeling exactly what Morrissey felt when he wrote There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, but in fact, you've just drunk a bit too much and you're feeling a tad melancholy. Not. The. Same.
2. The Passive Aggression
Do you really think the object of your aggression is going to read what you've written, sensibly digest and modify their behaviour accordingly? To date, it's never happened. What has happened, is this.
3. The information broadcast
Short of taking out an ad in The Metro, Facebook is the most effective way of informing people what jealousy-worthy event has passed in your life. Achingly cool gig, flowers delivered at work, refusing Mark Ronson a date - all this and more can be put on display to illustrate to others how much they should want to be you.
4. The niche statement
This is something I'm massively guilty of, assuming as I do that everyone on Facebook is well aware of the launch of Google Chrome/the liveblogging phenomenon/my excitement over a peripheral. It's a statement that does nothing but alienate those not privy to your world. Bad form.
5. The inappropriate information
There are some big things in life that deserve more than a sentence to the world. Death springs to mind, as does anything you wouldn't stand up on a chair and shout in the pub. "X can't believe Darren cheated on her". "Susi can't believe you felt comfortable announcing that on Facebook".
6. The ask me ask me ask me
Anything that implies you have a great big secret that you just *might* share with the world if asked counts as an Ask Me. X can't believe that just happened...
7. The boredom update
One word answers are very seldom witty. Telling us you're tired, bored, sleepy, awake or excited is never going to set the world alight, and just looks like you're trying to remind people you're still alive.
8. The ...
I can never figure out if people mean to do that, or if they've accidentally updated when they didn't mean to. And if they did mean to, what they hell do they mean?
9. The linkbait
Putting links to sites, YouTube films and junk really annoys me. No doubt someone, somewhere clicks on it, but I never have.
10. The play-by-play
You're in a queue to see The Dark Knight. You're still in a queue. You're bored of being in a queue. You're wondering whether to give up being in a queue and go home. You've decided to go home. You're on the bus wondering if you should have stayed in the queue.
I don't care.
Susi Weaser is the editor of Shiny Shiny, and has probably committed way more of these offences than you.
See also: 5 Worst Facebook status Crimes of 2010