The ten worst Facebook status crimes

susi_weaser.jpgSometimes writing for Shiny Shiny you get the opportunity to store up all the bitterness you collect day-to-day and spew it forth under the guise of ‘Opinion’. Today is one of those days.

Facebook status updates: they’re difficult to get right, and they’re infuriating to read when they’re wrong. Here’s my Top Ten Worst Facebook Status Crimes. I should know, I’ve committed most of them.

Note to you. Yes, you. This is not about your updates – I <3 your updates. It's about everyone else's.

1. The song lyrics
I get it. You *think* you’re feeling exactly what Morrissey felt when he wrote There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, but in fact, you’ve just drunk a bit too much and you’re feeling a tad melancholy. Not. The. Same.

2. The Passive Aggression
Do you really think the object of your aggression is going to read what you’ve written, sensibly digest and modify their behaviour accordingly? To date, it’s never happened. What has happened, is this.

3. The information broadcast
Short of taking out an ad in The Metro, Facebook is the most effective way of informing people what jealousy-worthy event has passed in your life. Achingly cool gig, flowers delivered at work, refusing Mark Ronson a date – all this and more can be put on display to illustrate to others how much they should want to be you.

4. The niche statement
This is something I’m massively guilty of, assuming as I do that everyone on Facebook is well aware of the launch of Google Chrome/the liveblogging phenomenon/my excitement over a peripheral. It’s a statement that does nothing but alienate those not privy to your world. Bad form.

5. The inappropriate information
There are some big things in life that deserve more than a sentence to the world. Death springs to mind, as does anything you wouldn’t stand up on a chair and shout in the pub. “X can’t believe Darren cheated on her”. “Susi can’t believe you felt comfortable announcing that on Facebook”.

6. The ask me ask me ask me
Anything that implies you have a great big secret that you just *might* share with the world if asked counts as an Ask Me. X can’t believe that just happened…

7. The boredom update
One word answers are very seldom witty. Telling us you’re tired, bored, sleepy, awake or excited is never going to set the world alight, and just looks like you’re trying to remind people you’re still alive.

8. The …
I can never figure out if people mean to do that, or if they’ve accidentally updated when they didn’t mean to. And if they did mean to, what they hell do they mean?

9. The linkbait
Putting links to sites, YouTube films and junk really annoys me. No doubt someone, somewhere clicks on it, but I never have.

10. The play-by-play
You’re in a queue to see The Dark Knight. You’re still in a queue. You’re bored of being in a queue. You’re wondering whether to give up being in a queue and go home. You’ve decided to go home. You’re on the bus wondering if you should have stayed in the queue.
I don’t care.

Susi Weaser is the editor of Shiny Shiny, and has probably committed way more of these offences than you.

See also: 5 Worst Facebook status Crimes of 2010

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Susi Weaser





Susi WeaserThe ten worst Facebook status crimes
  • Kelly-Jane

    Hahaha absolutley brilliant!!! I have also commited most of these crimes…but now they are announced as crimes…what is left to put on them!!!!
    Time to put the thinking cap on!

    • Susi Weaser

      Kelly-Jane, I can’t tell you how careful I’ve had to be with my updates since writing this!

  • Jessie

    Yay, more people who think like me! My personal pet peeve is people writing in the first person when the end result so obviously shows up as THIRD person. (Of course, I could just be grammatically anal…) i.e. “Ms X can’t believe Darren cheated on me!”

  • Amber

    I really want to update my Facebook status but I’m not sure what to write. I guess I’ll just put “Amber is …” and hope my friends spend hours contemplating just how mysterious I am and how they would just give anything to be inside my head.

  • http://www.nicoleiscooking.nicsplace.net/ Nicole

    I thought this was brilliant until my SO sent me flowers at work today b/c I have been in such a crappy mood all weekend so I promptly violated #3.

    Does it help that he put Wang Chung lyrics on the card with the flowers? How can you not want to be the person who received flowers and Wang Chung lyrics from their SO Monday morning at work??

    In penance I posted links to both of your Facebook articles on my Facebook account.

    • Susi Weaser

      To be honest, I would have done exactly the same thing. Sometimes you’ve got to ignore The Rules.

  • http://www.brandish.tv Isabelle

    I heart this column, song lyrics as status = worst thing EVER.

    • Susi Weaser

      <3

  • Chris

    Wow… What doesn’t annoy you?

    • Susi Weaser

      What can I say? I’m clearly a very angry person…

  • http://www.beyondyournose.com Bergen Larsen

    I did a post similar to this a few months back… which I’ve recently seen is riddled with comment spam. *grr* http://www.beyondyournose.com/post/15 and I am totally guilty of number 1, although its usually cause I’m amused by the lyrics. :)

  • ryckjames

    These are things that EVERYONE on facebook does. The real thing to poke fun of is that, all of the people who make fun of the people who do these things STILL DO THEM ANYWAY.

    I enjoy the universal hypocrisy which even I partake in.

    • Susi Weaser

      I totally agree. I’ve done almost all of those things, but it doesn’t stop me from grinding my teeth everytime I see someone else do them.

  • Anna

    Ok that’s awesome, but I’m going to jail for it all… I wonder what I can think of to leave… What about mathematical equations?

  • Astara

    Hahaha these are great!! They say everything I always wanted to say about facebook statuses.

  • Hmm

    So, what exactly is an appropriate facebook status?

  • Claudius II

    whiner,

  • Stick that in your juice box and suck it.

    I only put quotes on my facebook.. not because I think I know what they were feeling when it was written.. but because I really like the song or movie or book it’s from.. “I can live without you but without you I’ll be miserable at best.” I think thats a very cute quote.. I’m not in a relationship or anything of the sort and I don’t care to be.. MY friends know me.. they try and figure out what it’s from at times.. they like it.. and that’s why THEY are my friends.. if you’re friends with someone you don’t care if their Facebook status says they’re bored.. if you do.. delete the person, you’re clearly NOT friends!

  • klabelkholosh

    this eliminates about 99% of potential status updates

  • OhReallyNow

    What exactly IS fair game? I mean, are bitchy elitist rants that are designed to make you look superior and everyone else look bad okay? I mean…If they’re off limits, I understand. It really does have a harsh, personal effect upon you when you don’t like someone else status.

  • http://none Lockie

    Instead of facebooking “the crimes”, you blogged them. Foot meet mouth!

  • Rose

    hey.. i wanted you guys to help me write status on facebook..anyone got an idea of a jelousy status..
    to make someone jelouse!?
    i really need this one..
    help-help :D

  • Bobby

    This is the gayest thing ever, if you dont like status updates like that then dont use facebook bcuz most of them are.

  • what the hell

    umm. Isabelle i know many people that woukd by far DISAGREE. I i being one of them.
    I HATE this column, song lyrics as status = BEST thing EVER

  • Rainbow unicorn

    I usually just bitch about how tacky and boring everybody elses status is. Sigh. I need new friends. Or maybe socializing just isn’t for me.

  • theresa DeCaprio

    this is the stupidest article ive ever read. everyone does these things. seriously just give up

  • lcr

    who the hell are u to decide what is a crime or not???

  • tori

    hhaha wow..u guys are getting all hyped up..lolzz…..although i must say..some of these crimes are ridiculous! ..nice try though…lol..=]

  • Hannah

    I thought this was pretty funny.

    Although I would strongly disagree with Rule #9.

    Facebook is a social networking site that is great for collaborating, participating and sharing useful, relevant and interesting pieces of information through links. Also, as a student who connects with other students facebook provides an excellent medium to do this rather than sending everyone an email…

    You should click on a link or two…you’d be surprised what interests you might have!

  • Snad

    What would you use facebook for if not any or all of the things that supposedly tick you off, Susi? Don’t tell us you’re happy. Don’t tell us you’re sad. Don’t tell us what you’re doing. Don’t share with us anything you like. Don’t share with us anything you don’t like.

    It’s called “social networking” for a reason. Get over yourself. Be sure to update your facebook status when you do, so we’ll all know.

  • Snad

    What would you use facebook for if not any or all of the things that supposedly tick you off, Susi? Don’t tell us you’re happy. Don’t tell us you’re sad. Don’t tell us what you’re doing. Don’t share anything you like with us. It’s called “social networking” for a reason. Get over yourself. Be sure to update your facebook status when you do, so we’ll all know.

  • Snad

    What would you use facebook for if not any or all of the things that supposedly tick you off, Susi? Don’t tell us you’re happy. Don’t tell us you’re sad. Don’t tell us what you’re doing. Don’t share with us anything you like. Don’t share with us anything you don’t like.

    It’s called “social networking” for a reason. Get over yourself. Be sure to update your facebook status when you do, so we’ll all know.

  • Krystal

    oh cum on that just pisses me off more than i’m already pissed can’t any of you all just be a little easy sometimes. I mean we all commited some of these crimes just let it be how it is alright.

  • Joe

    Blog Fail. Number of people who have read the slogan on my shirt outnumbers your rant on your blog.

  • Chann

    So would it be a crime for me to take this link and post it as my facebook status?? LOL

  • Rachy

    So what CAN we do then?

  • Melodie

    I don’t mind regular links on Facebook, but I hate it when people uses some cryptic comment in conjunction with a tinyurl instead of giving a goddamn description.

  • Bobolob

    Congratulations. You’ve just described pretty much everyting facebook is used for. Go and close your account now and stop bitching about it.

  • Stephanie

    Now it is time for a productive what SHOULD we post on facebook. This makes a status pointless if we follow these rules. The reason for having a status update is that it is an update on your status, aka: how you are feeling, what you are thinking, even what[or who] you are doing.

    I don’t feel guilty for being a violator. Hide me or make me limited if you want. lol. :] It’s my life and my status.

  • Lindsay

    Yeah, quite frankly, screw this noise. You really want to complain about what other people post? Are other people’s lives so good or so bad that they should never be seen or shared by you?

    Lord help your facebook friends. Get over yourself. You just sound bitter.

    You’ve pretty much ruled out every facebook post ever. All you’ve done here is prove that you don’t care about your “friends” (a term I use loosely, since they obviously do nothing but annoy you.)

  • Farfel

    I started reading this thinking I was going to get a good laugh. Got all the way through without even a chuckle. Be more funny!

  • Jes

    Yeah, but isn’t this what FB is for!

  • Katie

    Uhh..thats stupid what else are you supposed to put on your status then??

  • haha

    very funny i agree with all of the above , and yes if you obey the rules it will limit how often you update your status ….but is that really a bad thing……

  • mrjones

    you’ve pretty much ruled out every possible status there is, why do you even have a facebook account if it annoys you this much?

  • Rick

    I can’t beleive you. If you don’t like the posts,why are they your “friends?” Did you pick them up in one of those games?

    Here are the real rules…

    1. Don’t spam people with Mafia Wars, Farmville,etc.
    2. Never talk about work if you hate it
    3. Never befriend your boss or supervisor.
    4. Beware when putting your place of employment.

  • http://dreamripples.tumblr.com moonfaerie

    WHAT’S FUNNY IS HOW MOST COMMENTERS HERE DO NOT GET THE JOKE. DEFENSIVE MUCH? :p

  • facefucker

    soo u pretty much hate everything then

  • Brendan

    Dear author,

    You don’t like facebook.

    Love,
    Brendan

  • Happy Facebooker

    These tips are great….very funny and, sadly, very true!If you wouldn’t say it to EVERY person on your friends list in person, you probably shouldn’t be broadcasting it via facebook. The most annoying habits, by far, have to the inappropriate information broadcast (ex. 10 months ago today, I became a mom when my husband’s ex died. Ok, nut job, you need some help!) and anything discussing death in a staus, especially when the poster never really knew the deceased. Funny updates about going to a movie only make me think you don’t have much of a life; these other statuses make me think these people wouldn’t know crazy if Charles Manson was eating fruit loops on their front porch!

  • Facebooker

    These tips are great….very funny and, sadly, very true!If you wouldn’t say it to EVERY person on your friends list in person, you probably shouldn’t be broadcasting it via facebook. The most annoying habits, by far, have to the inappropriate information broadcast (ex. 10 months ago today, I became a mom when my husband’s ex died. Ok, nut job, you need some help!) and anything discussing death in a staus, especially when the poster never really knew the deceased. Funny updates about going to a movie only make me think you don’t have much of a life; these other statuses make me think these people wouldn’t know crazy if Charles Manson was eating fruit loops on their front porch!

  • Facebooker

    These tips are great….very funny and, sadly, very true!If you wouldn’t say it to EVERY person on your friends list in person, you probably shouldn’t be broadcasting it via facebook. The most annoying habits, by far, have to the inappropriate information broadcast (ex. 10 months ago today, I became a mom when my husband’s ex died. Ok, nut job, you need some help!) and anything discussing death in a staus, especially when the poster never really knew the deceased. Funny updates about going to a movie only make me think you don’t have much of a life; these other statuses make me think these people wouldn’t know crazy if Charles Manson was eating fruit loops on their front porch!

  • MommyL

    Oh, I do the song lyric thing a lot. People don’t always recognize them as song lyrics and sometimes they tend to treat them as normal conversation, but that’s ok–I don’t always recognize the songs people put in their statuses either.

  • Duane

    Just about every FB status update falls into one of these categories, so you’re basically saying that posting on facebook is a crime?

  • Kodak

    You missed the absolute biggest of my Facebook pet peeves (although the “ask me” is a very close second). The meme! The idiots posting their bra color or their handbag proclivity for anal sex in hopes that it might miraculously cure diabetes without them having to actually do anything! I even got reamed out by some chick for saying that because clearly I hate people with cancer because I don’t think posting my bra color is going to help!

  • Amy Greenlee
  • http://www.mustuniversity.com/programs/degree/associate-degree.html Associate Degree

    It’s pretty obvious that they have taken the same team that built the fundraising and group organization phenomenon that was BarackObama.com during the election and have now challenged them with some of the biggest digital communications issues the bureaucracy has to offer.

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