Susi Weaser writes....
I was always told that everyone has a book inside them. It may be a textbook about the mating habits of moths, but it's definitely there. And with a new blog being created every half a second, there's somewhat of a gold rush in the publishing world to sign up the best bloggers, with the most interesting lives.
And arriving like manna from heaven to prove my point, the second annual Blooker Prize shortlist has been announced this week, celebrating the best of the books that originated as blogs. But there's still time to jump on the bandwagon. Just follow my Ten Commandments of Blooking Success and it's practically a foregone conclusion (no, I don't have my own book deal yet, mainly because my personal blog consists of bullet points and photos of ice creams).
1. If you're a woman, write about sex
Not sure if you've heard, but sex sells. Especially sex where sisters are doing it for themselves (or to themselves, that works too). Grab the proverbial bull by the proverbial horn and get yourself out there, reclaiming the right to shag about.
2. If you're a man, write about sex.
There's been a lack of men willing to blog their conquests, or at least do it in a witty and engaging way, with no reference to 'norks' or 'punani'. You're breaking newish ground here, so we're not going to take responsibility for the resulting effect on your love life, post-publishing deal.
3. Write from a city
Sorry country folk - you may have trees, and less crime, and you may know your neighbours, but you don't have the makings of a blook. Blooks need to be peppered with well-known city haunts, making the reader wonder whether they might have bumped into you on the tube.
4. Get yourself an unusual job
Call girl works really well, especially in view of our first commandment. However, there are loads of possibilities, admittedly mostly in the sex industry. Porn clerk is always popular, as is S&M Dominatrix. But if you're in an enviable job, there are going to be people who want to read about it.
5. Get over an addiction or illness
Drug addictions are the stuff publisher's dreams are made of, and being afflicted with the current health scare to sweep the nation is a good one as well. It's even better if you've been on both sides of the fence i.e. obesity vs Size Zero.
6. Get dumped/dump your husband
Perhaps not worth doing for the extra money if you're in a happy relationship, but there are a lot of divorcees out there with alimony to spend - why not on your book? Offer some insight into how to get him out of your life, preferably with tales of revenge and ex-horror, culminating in the time you saw him in a bar and felt nothing but pity for him.
7. Use pseudonyms that actually work
Make sure you've got a Mr Big in your story, and make sure you haven't got a code everyone can crack. Mr ArlCay EnnedyKay from EighboursNay isn't going to work, and there could be serious legal repercussions.
8. Be anonymous
Yes, you're going to miss out on being spotted, and you'll never get anything but a silhouette photo in the papers, but blogging and publishing anonymously increases the intrigue, and therefore your position within Borders (aim for right next to the counter).
9. If you're going to bitch about your boss, make sure you're done working there You're going to need to make a lot of money on book one, and it's advisable to have a book two in the pipeline if you're planning on quitting your job. And if your story is dependent on your place of work, think carefully. A blook about working for a porn mogul is nothing without the porn mogel.
10. Lie.
Who cares about the fiction/non-fiction divide? Blogs are full of stuff that didn't quite happen, and as long as it's going to make money, publishers aren't going to care too much about the facts. Speaking of which, I'm off to go and write my blog about that other job I have, where I choose men for the female cast members of Desperate Housewives to have their wicked way with.
Want to dip your toe into the Blooker world? Check out the shortlist here. Alternatively, these are the ones currently on my bookshelf:
Girl With a One Track Mind
The Washingtonienne
Straight Up and Dirty
Belle du Jour
And for more book reviews, news and interviews, check out our sister blog, Trashionista.
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